This is why you're burnt out from using dating apps

Harpuneet Nijjar · CBC News

· Posted: Mar 24, 2024 4:00 AM EDT | Last Updated: 8 hours ago

Mehak Shoeb's taking a break from using dating apps. 

After years of swiping, the 31-year-old human resources professional from Toronto says she's reached a point where she needs a breather. 

"I just feel like with anything, when you invest too much of your energy and you're not getting the outcome that you want, you kind of need to take a step back," Shoeb said.

She's not alone. CBC News spoke to several dating app users across Canada who said they feel dissatisfied with platforms like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. 

Dating apps have been around for at least a decade, and have become a chief way for people to meet each other.

But app researchers and therapists told CBC News that some users are now feeling burnt out after spending so much time on the apps, because of how they make them feel.

"You're chatting with people and the conversations just go nowhere," said Taly Levinsky, a 28-year-old from Vancouver. "And the burnout comes from just, like, continuously experiencing these types of lacklustre matches."

Natasha Streiling, who lives in Victoria, says the apps are creating a culture of burnout.

"The endless swiping, the endlessly reading people's profiles and the trying to figure out what to say to people," the 28-year-old said. 

Research from Singles Reports, a data analytics company, shows people are frustrated by the online search for love. The 2022 survey looked at 500 adults in the U.S. between the ages of 18 and 54 who had used at least one app in the previous 12 months. Nearly 80 per cent of respondents said they'd dealt with some form of emotional fatigue or burnout with online dating. 

Some counsellors like Jessica Taylor say they're seeing more patients burnt out from the apps. 

"I think this problem is coming from just the apps themselves, you know, and we haven't really figured out the best way to use them," said Taylor, who's based in Denver. 

What is burnout? 

Burnout feels like you've reached your capacity, says Sadaf Siddiqi, a psychotherapist in New York who works with people on issues like anxiety and difficult relationships. 

It can manifest physically, mentally or emotionally, and any area of your life can trigger it, Siddiqi says. But it can look different for everyone, and some people — like introverts or people already struggling with their mental health — can feel it worse, she adds. 

In relation to dating apps, burnout can present itself in a few ways, therapists told CBC News.

You may no longer find it enjoyable to use the apps, and you may catch yourself getting frustrated, exhausted or anxious. You might be swiping on fewer profiles, ending conversations quickly and feeling disinterest or negativity with the apps or dating. 

It could look like "wanting a relationship, but honestly, just downloading the app and then quickly deleting it or not engaging with the app at all," said Taylor. 

Some apps like Bumble and Hinge have acknowledged that their platforms can affect people's mental health, and have shared tips on how to manage those effects. 

WATCH | Why dating apps are causing burnout:

The rise of gamification 

It might be difficult to use the apps in moderation because they're designed to keep you hooked, according to Kathryn Coduto, an online dating and internet behaviour researcher and an assistant professor of media science at Boston University. 

"They are businesses and they want their users to stay on them." 

"Part of what the algorithm is trying to do is trying to show you matches that you might be interested in, but you're also going to get some that maybe aren't as good because you have to swipe through those to stay on there," she said. 

If that sounds like a game, you're not wrong. Coduto points to the subtle gamification of apps as one way they keep users reeled in.

The algorithm encourages you to swipe and chat — even past your dissatisfaction or annoyance. You're prompted to talk to matches you haven't yet spoken to and even buy in-app features to boost your chances of finding someone. 

"I think the swipe interface, the gamification, leads to burnout because it doesn't feel like there's a genuine connection being sought," Coduto said. "People also get exhausted from just having to judge other people based on their photos. And that leads to feelings of almost hypocrisy or feeling like you're shallow." 

Agraj Rathi, a 27-year-old copywriter in Vancouver, says the amount of time he spent dating due to the apps impacted him negatively.

"I just felt like I was going on too many dates. I would go on maybe … a couple of new dates every month," said Rathi. "And I just felt like I was losing myself in a way."

"It's